| Ok, so Christmas songs. What you after? Chuffing great guitars? Yeah, but not like The Darkness tried to foist on us a couple of Xmases ago – as funny as that might have been for at least one chorus – ones popped right out of a packet of glam that’s been sat sealed at the back of the cupboard since 1976, right. And you want giggle? Understandably. A sing-along? But of course. And yes, you’ve had enough of regular bands taking your money from you all year, you want something a bit bloody special at Christmas, you want a bona fide SUPERGROUP pulling their weight in vague Christmas shapes! Well, as it happens you can have all that lot, in endearingly shonky measurements, and you can have it now, courtesy of The Black Arts – they being a seasonal collaboration between the noir Englishness of Black Box Recorder and the ecstatic jerky sarcasm of Art Brut. Their single is called, no messing about, ‘Christmas Number One’. John Moore of Black Box Recorder attempts to explain where his head is at in the run up to that bank holiday on 25 December… 1.Where will you find yourself this Christmas and with whom?
Staying with the Duke and Duchess as I always do.
2.Is it worth bothering with now you’re all grown up?
If 'it' refers to participating in festive activities such as consumerism, family arguments and Trivial pursuits, then yes. Of course.
3.When did you put your Christmas tree up? Describe it.
I haven't yet. Christmas eve is when trees go up. Mine is green, comes in three sections and when assembled, is wide at the bottom, tapering upwards to a point. We all take in in turns to sit at the top.
4.How have you fared with the Christmas shopping this year?
Brilliantly. I haven't done any.
5.What was the best present you’ve ever received?
An antique coffin-shaped snuff box. I keep the mortal remains of a large wasp in it. And a Johnny 7 Machine gun – when I were a lad. Oh yes – I almost forgot this one – a heart transplant.
6.If you could take the three old Xmas hits and roll them make into one big ‘fuck-off’ bastard – which three would you choose?
We did. It's called ‘Christmas Number One’.
7.Do you intend to be naughty or nice this Xmas?
I shall go where events lead me. My intention is to behave in a decent respectable manner – being pleasant to those around me, but who knows. If my sister gives me spirit-level cufflinks again, it might all kick off.
8.What are the first things that springs to mind when thinking about last Xmas?
Giving you my heart, and you – very disingenuously giving it away – the very next day. The death of James Brown.
9.Could you supply us with an alternate ending for ‘A Christmas Carol’?
The goose turns out to be poisoned and everybody dies. Scrooge walks into the sunset arm in arm with the ghost of Christmas past. They laugh about the gullibility of the masses.
10.Brussel Sprouts – yay or nay?
Yay, absolutely. That's all people should be allowed to have at Christmas – to eat, to play with, to give and receive as gifts. Make the toxic clouds of Buncefield an annual event.
http://www.fantasticplasticrecords.com/blackarts.htm
http://www.blackboxrecorder.net/
http://www.artbrut.org.uk/
James Berry for Crud Magazine 2006©
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