By rights we shouldn't have an opening paragraph. By rights I should be out down town squaffing pints like they're going out of fashion, trying to get off with the girl from the photo-copying room. But here it is, Christmas is upon us and the stars are getting fat, please put a penny in Damon Gough's woolly hat. Neither you nor the stars really deserve any of this, but here you go all the same, tied up with bows and all that. Until next year, Merry Christmas. And remember. Follow that star!
Lilly Allen - Hopeless at Wrapping But Great At Ripping Things Off
 "I was a Christmas Santa in Ibiza at 15. I did not excel at Christmas - I was terrible at it. Golden rule with Christmas; don't get too enthusiastic with your own presents. But I haven't done Christmas for a while now. Too busy. I'd like to say work and sex have replaced Christmas. But there's not been enough time off work for sex. This must change. What's my Dad getting me this Christmas? Shitloads of Charlie, I expect. Every wondered how Rudolph got his Red Nose? Shitloads of f**king Charlie.
Alright, Still is out now!
Alex Turner (Arctic Monkeys) - O Little Town of Kimberworth
 “Our manager just asked us to write a Christmas song. He wanted us to write it in a language that people use every day but one that’s not put in the context of a pop song very often. I mean, what kinda weird science is that, eh? But I just couldn't thinka owt! Christmas is a bit of a scam really. It's all hype. Come Christmas Eve I'll be three sheets to the wind disappearing downt' retail park on the back of a Tesco's trolley. After that I'll probably be tucked up in bed with a good old Fairy Tale. The 'Little Snatch Girl' or summat. You see what I did? Heart and mind of a committed ASBO carrier, soul of a f**king poet. Genius.
Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not is out now! Tony Blair - He's making a list. And checking it twice. And with some minor revisions he'll be submitting it as an intelligence dossier to Parliament on the pretext of starting a war.
 “Christmas is likely to be a fairly quiet affair this year, what with impeachment looming and me and the boys at the top having to make ourselves scarce over a trifling cash-for-honours scandal screaming out of control in January. Naturally, both myself, Cherie and a number of senior intelligence officers at MI6 will be tuning in to the Queens speech. It's our 10th Christmas at Downing Street and we've done this every year since 1997 - the year of Diana's untimely, yet mutually beneficial death. So we'll be sitting down, comparing notes, dotting the 'i's and crossing the 't's and just making sure she doesn't let anything slip. Then we'll probably play Twister. What's Cherie giving me this Christmas? Mindblowing head, just like every Christmas! That and those lovely Orange and Lemon Slices, obviously. At night we'll all be sitting down to watch Love Actually which happens to portray me in a rather flattering light, don't you think? And for New Year Cherie, myself and the boys will be splitting the cost of a cottage up in Wick with Jools Holland, K.T Tunstall and that Peter Pan of Pop, Sir Cliff Richard. Jools will supply the hootenanny – a hip-hop term – K.T will provide the food and everyone walks away with a peerage. Even Sir Cliff, who in any serious democracy, would currently be celebrating his 19th year at the top of the popular music chart with Mistletoe and Wine. And what I'm telling our troops is what I'll be telling Cherie; I have no intention of withdrawing until the job is completely done. It’s an axis of Christmas evil thingy”. Pete Doherty - The Drugs Don't Work and the Santa Hat Don't Lift Things None Neever.
 “Last Christmas I said to Kate, 'I've run out of Christmas cigarettes,' and she said, 'Oh, we've got some Christmas rolling baccy,' so I rolled this roll-up with great care and affection - lovely Christmas rollie - and I lit it, and the smell really reminded me of Christmas, and I just turned to her and said, 'You know, I think roll-ups are really romantic,' and she went, 'I think they're disgusting.' My Christmas moment destroyed." Life's a bit like Christmas; waking up under a taxi with no clothes on and all that.”
The Blinding Ep - Babyshambles is out now! Badly Drawn Boy - It's Not His Sleigh Ride.
 "Most likely me and the wife will be celebrating Christmas down a chip shop in either Bolton or Manchester, one with seats in and all the trimmings. That's how we like it. That way we won't have to send mi mam out later in the day. In the morning we'll open presents and in the afternoon it's pie and chips. Big ones, fat ones, salty ones, thin ones. And squirty ketchup, of course. I am who I am. Chips and Life on Mars. It's set in Salford. Boxing Day I'll be watching City. I remember the 70's great City team with Dennis Tueart, Peter Barnes, Dennis Law. My mum's family are all split down the middle, half City, half United. Dare say there'll be a fight. What's mi mam getting me? Space Hopper, Chopper Bike and a big fat Party Seven. Those new streamers we got look beltin, by the way. We've got 'em all the way around the house. All topped off with balloons and a couple of Teal couloured crepe paper bells in the centre. The ones that fold out."
Born In The UK - Badly Drawn Boy is out now!
Alan Sargeant for Crud Magazine 2006©
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